2020-2024 The Season that finally ended...
It sucked.
I was part of the mayor popular opinion that once a year started, almost like a show , a new season of it would begin.
(insert the cheesiest intro from the 90’s and some vintage filter and we are set… I think)
But this time… it didn’t felt like that, and for that … it didn’t feel for years. So I have some deep thinking and asked myself “ When did the last season started… for real?” I had to take a step back and see when was this a thing… and why was it stalling for so long. So long, that it felt like an eternity… and again it didn’t.
The Begging… 2020
We been talking a lot of what my husband called it the Texadus which it was our final way of leaving Texas and back to where we started… Ohio.
I make it sound all horrible and mighty, like if my years in that place was nothing but pain, suffering and also sitting on my hole in the dark.
I should of known better, but we needed to leave Ohio because there was too much of a mess from what came from the whole breaking from the family of my husband and the pressure I had from my side from my family. It was a whole event of chaos and I was very lost and overwhelmed on the whole situation… which started with my first wrong decision and that was “ To take matter in to my hands…” and probably I was the only one thinking like that. Also the “welcoming arms” of my family in Houston was an easy way to say YES… and not thinking what the consequences of that would bring us…
Our season started that day… that morning where we said goodbye to the little house we started being a married couple. The morning my husband took everything he had to not leave but took an oath to agree with the decision set. To this day I still feel bad, I was reminded of it for years.
Between the broken family life we had, and we fell in to… there was another factor.
Our jobs.
We loved our jobs, we worked for the same company since the end of the year before and we where very happy in that little place, was the first time me and him worked in the same company and we where in bliss with it. Never had issues, everyone was so welcoming and we formed friendships while being there.
But… this place, even being the same company… was a whole different world. That’s when I started my slow and steady spiral in to depression.
I quickly learned that what I had in my old place it was radically different in the new, and that was to be expected of course. Between… the hours cut off and the strategically racism that was receiving it was no surprise that my husband would be thrown out as fast as they could. Luckily for him he found another job, quick as usual and a bit more stable than what he had on the old place. So when he finally established himself we started to plan our first escape.
At first it was ok, financially I was being responsible with savings and budgets and putting a lot of myself in to working for a home. My goal was to have enough money to get a house… but I was naive and also… I got revolved with my father’s concept of how EASY it would be, with the right amount of money. But the amount of money that i had was hardly anything. I could of endured more… BUT that place was just awful. So I decided.. Let’s rent a place. And so we did…
After some time of looking we found a nice place that we took as our 1st alone home. It was a simple 1 bedroom 1 Bathroom apartment with a garage and it was in ( at least that time) a nice place that was quiet and peaceful.
It became our place of solitude, our place that we can come and call home… even when it was a rental we really loved that little home.
I grew in this place, we matured in a way… without the “net” of parents, just us… for most of the part.
But, even seeing this place… on my end… I was very lost.
The endless Loop.
I wanted to get out so bad from that place… My job place was horrible, exhausting and draining till the last bitter end that I spent in that place.
I was there for the money, and the fact that I did not wanted to get any kind of help from my family… I needed to stop depending from them and my father did not let go, giving me money always for that “house” he wanted for me to buy. But if anyone is even remotely familiar with today’s economy… let me tell ya it was fucking impossible with the money he gave, and he claimed it was incredible amounts of cash that to be honest helped in ways you can’t imagine but the way he kept drilling that I was selfish and I was “spending his money on shit” was already stressing me the fuck out…
I popped once every month when the rent was due, I dreaded every start of the month praying that I would be able to pay for the damn rent…
I had to say goodbye to any type of treats and such for myself because money was so excruciatingly tight.
For those 4 years I denied myself of treats that where not even remotely expensive, I was scared of spending money, I was scared of taking bad decisions… I was literally a prisoner to that little apartment…
Someone told me, while we where house hunting, that sometimes you may have a beautiful home, it can be big, full of rooms… but it will be your prison because every little cent you make from you hard bleeding work will end up burnt in that place.
There is no room for fun or treats.
It’s just your pretty little prison.
I want to stress that I was happy with what little we had, he always brought me back from my dark places and always made me laugh when the worse was upon us. I will always thank him for that…
But we came to a point in 2023… a day almost in Autumn if I remember correctly.
We just had finished our call with the people from the house we almost bought, we lost a stupid amount of money because they kept cancelling our loan… because of little stupid things. I think the lowest I’ve been was seeing me loose all that last of the money… (that again I was being threaten by my father) I ended up quitting everything at that time, I was ready to end it.
I was so ready to end everything.
But my husband asked me, in a simple honest question “ What do I want? Fuck whatever anyone wants, what do YOU want?”
My answer was… I just wanna go back home.
I knew home was not going to be the same home we left back in 2020, I knew things had changed and people had to move on for sure. Life doesn’t just pauses, it keeps flowing. And that’s what happened to us… we just got stalled and stuck like if we fell on a swamp ( which… we where, Houston is IN FACT a swamp).
We decided to put a last lease, we wanted to leave in better weather and it was our goal to leave a year from then.
Which of course… fucking Texas did it again and the leasing office said NO we can only do 9 months, 6 months is out of the plans ( sketchy ass fuck btw).
( “we are not AT ALL fucking you over with our bullshit because we need money” Former Landlord from hell.)
So… Ok it’s December then.
Season finale… at last.
Let’s not talk about money, let’s not talk about finances… let’s talk about the exodus.
It was not all terrible, I have very nice memories of our little place in the “livable forest”. I found a bad side of myself that I could fight and live with… I did not fall in to horrible vices to numb the pain or the stress. I feel like I grew up in that factor.
I numb myself tho, but with music, doing art and always trying to find some type of beauty in the world.
There was always little moments of joy that I will always cherish. It will be always good memories for sure. So I repeat to myself… we grew up in Houston.
We found our gateway to do new things, because it was so hard to do anything out from home… we found our voice in The Magic Ninja Robot channel. We found some creative in the Substack. We did find ourselves in hell in a way.
So not everything was doom and gloom.
I appreciated loneliness and learned that it wasn’t so bad. It was strange at first but then I grew to like it and enjoy it. It’s a thing that I do miss, but eventually will regain.
The last of the hell from Texas came… with the departure of our Pug Phoebie, it was so sudden but I was grateful she didn’t suffer for long, she rested and that was a hard hit for everyone.
But we finally had enough of Texas…
We finally had enough….
I finally was over it…
So December came, and with our new puppy… we packed our stuff and left back to Ohio.
We drove for 2 days…
and finally came home.
A little taller, a little older and a little wiser.
I cried a lot when I left that last day, I honestly didn’t know why I was so heart broken about leaving. I think something inside me wanted for it work in some way, I really wanted Texas to be my home… but it never let me have it. It was always terrible, it was always hard and I can see way it’s not for the weak.
But I do not consider myself weak. I just consider that life is more than just suffer for money, sleep 5 hours maybe 6 if I was lucky… and hope I had a day off if management didn’t find out about it.
Life has to be beautiful, life has to be enjoyed… we have so little in this stupid world, and if I can choose my path or my home, I will do it.
Maybe the old times won’t come back. But new times can be so much better, and maybe a whole new adventure to embark.
Times… will get better.
If you want to read about the Texadus, my hubby did some retelling of that grand adventure in his Substack.
Thank you for reading and I hope better times are coming, and for now, happy new years and hope to be around for new things!